Caring for Aging Parents From Afar: What I've Learned as an Only Child

Samantha Vo

1 day ago

6 min read

I'm an only child, and my parents live in Vietnam. I live in Toronto, more than 12,000 kilometres away.

For the past few years, one thought has been weighing on me. When my parents need more help, I won't be the one there to give it. Not every day, and not in person.

If you live in Calgary, Vancouver, London or Singapore and your parents are here in Toronto, you may know this feeling well. You call on Sundays. You fly home once or twice a year. And each visit, you notice a little more than you did the time before.

When I started looking into caregivers for my parents, cost and scheduling mattered. The question that stayed with me was trust. As parents age, they become more vulnerable, and we hear more and more about scams and mistreatment aimed at seniors. So who would I actually feel comfortable letting into my parents' home?

Before I could answer that, I had to sit with a few other questions first. Caring for aging parents from afar starts there. Here’s what I’ve been working through.

Caring for aging parents from afar: five questions I ask myself

1. What stage is my parent at, and what can they still do?

It's natural to start with a list of what your parent needs help with. I've learned to start with the other list: what they can still do, and what they prefer to do on their own.

That second list is tied to their independence and their sense of who they are. Good care protects it. Too much help, too soon, can quietly take it away.

Driving is a big one. For many parents, the car means freedom. Groceries on their own schedule, coffee with friends, temple or church without asking anyone for a ride. If you're worried about their driving, try to separate the worry from the solution. Maybe it's daytime driving only, or someone comes along for highway trips and appointments downtown.

A few things worth noticing:

Can they still cook, shop, bathe and manage the house the way they used to?
Which tasks have quietly become harder, or have they stopped doing altogether?
Which routines matter most to them, and should stay theirs?

2. Where are they mentally?

Some forgetfulness is a normal part of getting older. Forgetting a name and remembering it later, or misplacing reading glasses now and then, is usually not a cause for alarm.

Other signs are worth raising with their doctor. Asking the same question several times in one conversation. Getting lost on a familiar route. Struggling with a recipe they've made for decades. Unopened mail and missed bills.

Mood matters too. Anxiety, low mood and pulling away from friends are easy to miss in older adults, especially over the phone.

And look at medications. If your parent takes several prescriptions on different schedules, ask yourself honestly whether they're managing them safely. A skipped or doubled dose can be serious.

3. What are they telling me, and what am I seeing?

My dad doesn't ask for help. To him, it feels like weakness. My mom doesn't ask either, but for a different reason. She doesn't want to add to my burden.

So when they tell me they're fine, I've learned to hear it through their personalities. "We're fine" from my dad and "we're fine" from my mom can mean very different things.

That's why I compare what they say with what I see when I'm home. Is the fridge stocked? Is the mail piling up? Has the house become harder to keep tidy? Are there new bruises, or new dents on the car? Small details on a visit often tell you more than months of phone calls.

It also helps to ask specific questions. "What did you have for lunch?" gets a more honest answer than "How are you?"

4. How am I showing up for them?

My father-in-law flew internationally countless times when he was younger. Today, even a domestic trip makes him anxious.

I think that's something many of us miss. As people age, their confidence in figuring things out on their own can shrink. A new phone, an online form or a change in routine can feel much bigger to them than it looks to us.

So I try to slow down. I explain things more than once, without rushing or sighing. And when I suggest help, I try to frame it as something that gives them more freedom, and gives me peace of mind too.

5. Where am I in all of this?

I moved out of my hometown at 18. Somewhere along the way, the picture of my parents in my head stopped at around 50. They're in their mid 70s now, and that's still the picture I see when I think of them.

Accepting that my parents are changing has been one of the hardest parts. Part of being ready to arrange care is being honest with myself about who they are today, and being ready for things to change.

Who would I trust in my parents' home?

Once I worked through those questions, I came back to trust. When you live far away, you can't drop by unannounced. You can't read the caregiver's face at the door. So the person you choose, and the people behind them, carry a lot of weight.

Here's what I'd want before letting someone into my parents' home:

Proper screening. A certified caregiver with verified references and a police vulnerable sector check.
The same person over time. Rotating strangers are hard on any older adult, and harder to keep an eye on from afar. Continuity builds trust on both sides.
A real match. Someone whose personality, language and culture fit my parents. When I looked for care in Vietnam, this was what was missing. The help was there, but my parents didn't feel understood.
Someone accountable I can reach. A person who knows my parents by name and picks up when I call.
Honest updates. Including the uncomfortable ones, like a fall, a missed meal or a change in mood.
Clear boundaries around money. A caregiver should never handle banking, passwords or cards, or accept gifts of value.
Respect for independence. Someone who helps my parents keep doing what they can, instead of taking over.

If you're already arranging care, a few red flags are worth watching for: new "friends" with a sudden interest in your parent's finances, unexplained purchases or withdrawals, or your parent becoming secretive or withdrawn.

Why I started Livia

I can't be in Vietnam for my parents every day. But I can be here for yours.

I started Livia with one question: would I use this for my parents? Every decision since has gone back to that question. Livia aims to be your trusted face in Toronto when you can't be here in person.

For families caring from another city, province or country, here's what that looks like:

I meet your parent in person before care starts, so someone you can talk to knows them firsthand.
We match a certified PSW to your parent's needs, personality and language. We can currently match in English, Spanish, Mandarin, Cantonese, Hindi, Bengali, Marathi, Telugu, Vietnamese and others.
The same caregiver stays with your parent over time, so trust can build.
You get a weekly report on how your parent is doing.
You get regular calls with me, monthly or every two weeks, plus a direct call whenever there's something worth noting or a sign that worries me.
Our PSWs are First Aid and CPR trained, and some can drive your parent to appointments and errands.

We support 1:1 home care and companionship, dementia care, recovery after a hospital stay, respite care and overnight care across the GTA.

If your parent lives in Toronto and you don't, I'd be glad to talk. Call me at 647-693-1504 or visit liviacare.ca.

The distance doesn't go away. But your parents don't have to feel it alone.

Frequently asked questions

How can I care for my elderly parent in Toronto if I live in another province or country?

Start by understanding what your parent needs and what they still want to do on their own. Then build a local team you can trust: their family doctor, a neighbour or friend nearby, and when necessary, a home care provider who meets your parent in person and keeps you updated with regular reports and calls.

What are signs my aging parent needs more help at home?

Common signs include unopened mail or missed bills, an empty or spoiled fridge, weight loss, new bruises or dents on the car, a less tidy home, and confusion about medications. Visits home are often when these become clear.

How do I know if my parent's forgetfulness is normal?

Occasionally forgetting a name or misplacing glasses is common with age. Repeating the same question in one conversation, getting lost on familiar routes or struggling with everyday tasks are worth raising with their doctor.

How do I choose a trustworthy caregiver for my parent?

Look for a certified PSW with verified references and a police vulnerable sector check. Ask for the same caregiver over time, regular updates, and one person you can reach directly. Caregivers should never handle your parent's banking or passwords.

Does OHIP cover home care in Ontario?

Ontario Health atHome provides publicly funded home care for eligible residents with a valid Ontario health card, after an assessment by a care coordinator. Anyone, including family members living elsewhere, can call 1‑833‑515‑1234 to ask about a referral. Some families add private home care for more hours, companionship or a consistent caregiver.

How does Livia keep families informed from a distance?

Families receive a weekly report on their parent, regular calls with Samantha, and a direct call whenever there's something worth noting. Samantha meets each client in person before care starts.